Ground zero

Ground Zero

This abysmal morning with Buffalo, the Doctor's appointment was a no-go Dr had to cancel.

My insides were churning and full of fear, unsure of what my husband's test results could uncover. This was supposed to help move e us forward today.

The unknown can be a storm like no other and now we have to wait even longer for an answer. Unacceptable! I wanted to rage like a hurricane and scream at their offices until they found another doctor faster or someone that can move this forward and answer to his hospital labs and what they all mean, that what we were supposed to have today.

But the Buffalo just kept his peace within the telephone call this morning after saying under his breath "They better not be calling to cancel". Yes, yes unfortunately they were canceling. I pray Buffalo will find solace quicker than a month and a half because that is how far out the reschedule was. So why am I losing it? His tests could indicate a few possibilities that may necessarily lead us down a terminal path...

Wow, it's so easy to believe in God when everything is going well in our lives – preaching His name when we're happy and feeling love for the world. But when darkness takes over, that faith can get buried beneath the waves.

My soul is enraged. I have been here too many times before, cursed with despair and pain. I hear The Buffalo whisper that I am strong enough to withstand whatever fate has bestowed upon me, but why must it be so?

Why all those years ago I was thrown into the wild fire. Why must my baby son Zachy be taken away from me those 26 years ago?

How can a spark of rain transmute into a hurricane in just one night?! It can and it did in my life with no warning sirens.

My faith had been tested and destroyed the last time around when I was the only true casualty that emerged from that destruction it was a safer place to be in because it effect where on me solely.

Now we face an even more significant challenge; everything we've worked for so tirelessly is at risk of being wiped out again - there's no way that I can tend to our buffalo herd without Buffalo by my side!

In this moment of uncertainty, all I can do is love him more than ever while trusting in God to see me through this horrific storm. But there is that word Trust.

I know that I should pray to God and ask Him for strength, I am currently praying... I truly believe he will provide it, I just don't know what that looks like. Fearing makes it feels like a losing battle. I try to tell myself ‘I don’t have this in me, I don’t want this’ over and over again, but the storm within me just keeps raging on. Every day I feel like I have to fight against these demons all over again and no matter how hard I try, they never seem to go away.

When I had a life once before that the ground was caving in underneath me constantly lived in fear. When I met Buffalo that fear started to melt away and I felt as if it would never come back again because I was safely in his arms and now here I am again.

Today these scriptures will help me through tomorrow and the next I will fight to trust in the Lord through this raging storm...

• Matthew 21:22 - And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith.

• Luke 1:37 - For nothing will be impossible with God.

• 2 Corinthians 5:7 - For we walk by faith, not by sight.

• Romans 10:17 - So faith comes from hearing, and hearing through the word of Christ.

The Storm - Lee